Thursday, January 8, 2015

darling i'm a nightmare, dressed like a daydream...

If there were rules for blogging, which required strict following in order to keep your page, I’d have been fired from this whole thing a long time ago. It’s not because I don’t like writing, or because I am a boring person with nothing to say. It’s always on my mind to write my thoughts and feelings and share them with whoever is around to care, and despite what I tell myself, I’m always doing SOMETHING so there is plenty going on to talk about. I’d like to confess that my problem with blogging, and life in general it would seem, is finding time to actually just STOP. I don’t even need to explain that, because if you know me, you have seen this quality first hand, and as much as I wish it were different, it’s something I really wrestle with letting become the simple task that it really just is. I wear a mask of comfort in business and insanity.

Anyways, I realized this week, that I haven’t had anything to proclaim to the world through this blog in almost a year and a half, and what I said last was quite profound (to me at least), at that time. Lately, I’ve experienced every aspect of life differently. As I read back to August 2013, I was in a remarkable place. The Lord was chiseling away and revealing to me what my life in His image looked like. My expectation at that point for bigger and better has certainly been radically surpassed, and I rest in a promise that only GREATER things are to come. It is thrilling, I assure you!

This week, I went to church on Wednesday night, just like I do every week. I went to the youth service, as normal, and I was basically just there. I had no expectation of being needed by a student (for comfort that I could relate to oh, so closely) and I also had no expectation of having a video played again, that on my last trip to Jamaica caused my entire focus and perspective to shift. I was tired from a long day at work, and an early morning workout, and honestly, I was more hungry for earthly nourishment than for the scriptural meat that I was about to receive.

To say that God is awesome is not only obvious, but also a drastic understatement. If I could adequately express how flooring and sweet He has become to me on a daily basis, through His word, promises, encouraging people and much more, it would be magnificent! But what I am sure of is that God has the best motives and intentions, even when I’m weak at the end of the day, and think I’ve had enough. Through seeing this video again, I was reminded of the work that God the Father has done on my image, still chiseling every day. I was reminded that Jesus died so that my image didn’t have to be found in the world and the image the world thrusts upon mesocially, physically…—doesn’t define me, or really even matter in the grand scheme of things. And I was reminded that the Holy Spirit transforms images in major ways, when simply invited in, to do good.

I was reminded that there is a distinct comfort humans have come to find in wearing masks and playing the part of “enough” to and for the world. We each have our own strivings and goals, but how often do we truly seek, intentionality in those things? Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where actual change is what we seek, but most of the time, our change is short lived and only surface level. I’m pretty over that.

What if in 2015, we take off our masks and realize the level of discomfort we should feel from our comfort zones. What if we gave ourselves each day, the same blank space that Almighty God gives us every moment to be satisfied by nothing more than all of him, which is completely enough for all of our broken, mask wearing human nature.

I may not be the biggest fan of Taylor Swift, but she is definitely onto something when she says she “is a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. WE ALL ARE.

Even in the church, we put on pretty masks and faces and fear complete transparency and vulnerability. I mean, it’s really hard and uncomfortable, but is a comfortable life truly fulfilling? Not for me!

Unfortunately, the general church phenomenon of America is complacency towards our problems, and an outward reflection of surface-level caring. It’s pretty heartbreaking and it should disgust us to so passively glorify this multitude of things that are breaking lives and shattering people’s worlds all around us.

I have been remarkably blessed to be involved in a college ministry at my church where these masks hardly exist within the group of people where I spend the majority of my time. I love that I don’t have to be afraid of these people. I have long lived in fear of what others thought of me, neglecting the fact that ultimately, it only matters what the Lord thinks of me, and He made me in His own image! (What more could I possibly desire in my human quest to be “xyz-enough” than to be in the image of the invisible, Almighty God who holds and commands the universe in the palm of his hands?)

I love that every day, we walk intentionally alongside each other with a willingness to express our passions, heartaches and fears, the shortcomings of our pasts and the moments that the world would choose to say have tarnished what we deserve to be. I love that in this newfound fearlessness, I am challenged to understand why the Lord has so radically shifted my perspective of what He has in store for me, and to receive the grace that he has lavished upon me MOMENT BY MOMENT.

People!!! Fullness in Christ alone is as close as the space we allow Him to pervade in our hearts. Intimacy with Jesus is ours for the taking! I love walking with people who want to seek this as much as I do, and who want to push me to seek it deeper than I currently think I understand. It is beyond exciting to live life with people who are seeking to be on the same page with letting the Holy Spirit work us through where we have been and carry us into a glory greater than we can imagine, through our contentment!!

In 2015, I want to learn how to stop! I want to lose the mask I think I NEED to wear that shows my having things all together and put on the hands and feet of Jesus in all that I say and do! I want to be radically convicted of my business and redirected towards a covering of grace and righteousness that reminds me why I do it all in the first place. I don’t want to keep on being a nightmare that’s dressed like a daydream, a pretender and a happy face.
This year, I want to be captivated by the fullness of this grace and abide in a longing expectation of Jesus! 

in grace's amazing hands, 

PS: If you're interested in the video I mentioned, refer to my previous post or search for "God's Chisel Remastered" on YouTube. The video is by the Skit Guys and they have TONS of awesome, thought provoking tools to check out. 

Also, stay tuned, and please encourage/hold me accountable to stay on top of posting! Next up will be something along the lines of what is so amazing about GRACE to me!! 

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