Let the Belizian journey begin!!!

Sometimes, you can completely anticipate what is coming. You can spend months, weeks even years preparing your heart and mind and soul for a thing and once it arrives, you're perfectly ready and prepared to face the journey. 

Sometimes reality sneaks up on you. Even with all of the planning and preparing, the day is so far off and then suddenly you're awake at 3am to follow the hand and voice of the Lord into the depths of the unknown. 

I'm going right now. I am on a bus to Belize to love and serve and pursue the heart of God through his creation and treasures in this place. 

Going Seems almost routine for me. I've been going on mission trips for the past 12 years. None of this process is foreign to me. I'm comfortable with the travel, with the discomfort that comes from being in an underdeveloped place, with being flexible and running raggedly thin. I know this drill and I am confident of my ability and capacity for being this instrument of God's love and heart and glory for humanity. 

But this morning, there is a weight on my chest, a heightened sense of emotion that is unfamiliar for an experience like this. It's a proclamation that this journey had been ordained from the heavenly realms. It's a promise of the Lord to me that Mighty and powerful acts are to come, and I am allowed and called to bear witness to them all. 

So this morning, I praise the Lord. He has done such a marvelous work in my life. Truly and remarkably He has transformed my heart, mended brokenness, revealed truth and placed upon my shoulders a call that, though inaudible, is deeply rooted within my soul and it drives me! I am so gracious to be in a church body that is actively seeking discipleship and promoting this love on a local, national and global spectrum. And am I ever so thankful for the power of the cross of Jesus Christ! 

There is both a distinctive peace and conviction in knowing the life of a blameless man was beautifully laid down for my own, for all of us in this team and for those we will encounter who do and do not already know Him. What a friend He is to trust me with the beautiful burden of going, moving with His Spirit and proclaiming the truth, calling others unto Him. 

Thank you Father for this call and conviction, and the act of your power that sends me. Today I go, feeling this weight but I am not anxious or worried for what is to come. Over the course of the next 8 days, may I love and serve in a capacity that is beyond what I have ever done or seen. May I and all on this team know your presence, power and might in every moment and may our hearts be bound to your grace in truth in every way!! Thank you for sending us, for sending me out. Make us brave. Fill us with courage and joy that are radiant and unattainable on our own. And Father, break us of our sin and pride that can easily be our hinderance and fix our eyes on the cross of your magnificent, servant son, that we may live for Him and the sacrifice He has made for our souls and freedom. Thank you!! 

To those who will see this, I urge you to pray for our journey and this experience. We fly out of Houston in a few hours and return home on June 20. Thank you for your love and support and the large and small roles you've played in my journey. I can't wait to share this one with you all!!! My faithful God has promised beautiful things and he is FAITHFUL as the dawn!! 

In Grace's Amazing Hands, 

Katelyn 

when peace isn't like a river

I would like to preface this post by simply saying this is literally an overflow of my heart. The past months have been the most challenging times I believe I have ever endured...and I have been through a lot in almost 25 years. But what I have known, still, in the midst of my own chaos and chaos in the lives surrounding me, living and walking with me, is that my God is still here, and when I rest in His name, He fights for me and my brothers and sisters, when we can hardly cling to the truth. 

Hope is coming, sure as the dawn. Darkness will continue to pierce and attempt to bind us, but together we will stand in the fullness of His glory and wait on the day when we'll see His face. Sin will not overtake our hearts, it may knock, but it will be bound from us. Joy shall return. 

So, here is what I want to share about where my community is. Maybe this is where you are too:

Tragedy cuts us all so deep. On our souls, the air weighs heavier than any physical weight we have ever been challenged to hold. Our hearts have been beyond broken...they're shattered, they look helpless. Peace has escaped us and our cries echo into the darkness that grips, fights to rush through and overtake us. We have torn off our clothes of delight and joy, and have become wretched...all we can do is weep. This world looks so ugly and it fiercely screams that it and all in it are against us.

In the furthest depths from sight, clothed in all of our own agony and pain, a small flame flickers and it grows. The fire is fueled by our weakness, by our utter pleas for something, anything to take shape within the mess of these empty caverns once filled by a simple, fragile heart. We can't see it, or feel it, and we are far from any hope of understanding what the fire means, but the fire is fighting for us.

We are all facing giants. There's an utter inability to understand why, or how at once we've all been tested and attacked. When it seems like all we have are one another, and it is well, we're hit, individually so deeply and again a fear pervades our minds that says we are suddenly alone.

These moments that are drown in feelings we can't name or place, are suddenly quenched by the fire. I still can't truly feel the sparks that I know by now have been ignited into a flame, a wildfire that cannot be put to rest. But I have begun to hear. It's not a booming clap of thunder that spells out pretty illustrations of what I've anticipated life to be. But it is the voice of Truth.

In my despair, our despair, our misery and drowning sea of darkness, we are suddenly all together, and holding us, all with our burdens and brokenness, is a Mighty Conqueror, a Beautiful Savior and a Risen King. Here, in this desolation, seeking our hearts, when the depth of our wounds is too great to even, simply cry out His name, is Jesus... And He is standing in victory!!!

Praise His name that we have all had one another on this road. That in a season where we have literally taken blow after blow of bitterness to our own individual souls, we've still had room to unwaveringly cling to our sisterhood. We can't comprehend how we've continued to even put one foot in front of the other, even within we have faced hardship and strikes against our unity.

But all of these things, all brokenness, fight, persecution, suffering, sadness, darkness and gut-wrenching pain have been a test of the prize that is coming to us. Our faithful commitment to selfless and relentless loving of one another has earned us valuable ground in the rings of this fire that is the only thing keeping us going.

And suddenly we realize that together, and with the Son of the Living God in our midst, we are champions for His glory and the mess is stripped to reveal women bathed in righteousness and redemption and perfect, overwhelming peace and rest. It surpasses all of our human understanding long and far, but we know this is alright.

We sit and reflect and realize together that some of us were quickly overtaken by the fire. Others of us have endured the agony for what seems an earthly eternity. But we share in this prize of a faith that has become likened to pure gold.

We no longer see weak and wounded girls, falling quickly as prey to a fierce enemy, but we now stand as women brave and strong, staring headfirst into a destiny commanded by the One who was, is and is to come. And He doesn't just look upon us, He is in our company,  giving shelter and courage to fight back towards the battle that will simply always rage.

He looks upon us with kindness and as daughters who were worthy of His own trial and test. He sees us as fit for a journey more remarkable than those before and He takes us into this beautiful unknown, with the abiding promise that above facing this world together, we're facing it with Him, hand in hand.

darling i'm a nightmare, dressed like a daydream...

If there were rules for blogging, which required strict following in order to keep your page, I’d have been fired from this whole thing a long time ago. It’s not because I don’t like writing, or because I am a boring person with nothing to say. It’s always on my mind to write my thoughts and feelings and share them with whoever is around to care, and despite what I tell myself, I’m always doing SOMETHING so there is plenty going on to talk about. I’d like to confess that my problem with blogging, and life in general it would seem, is finding time to actually just STOP. I don’t even need to explain that, because if you know me, you have seen this quality first hand, and as much as I wish it were different, it’s something I really wrestle with letting become the simple task that it really just is. I wear a mask of comfort in business and insanity.

Anyways, I realized this week, that I haven’t had anything to proclaim to the world through this blog in almost a year and a half, and what I said last was quite profound (to me at least), at that time. Lately, I’ve experienced every aspect of life differently. As I read back to August 2013, I was in a remarkable place. The Lord was chiseling away and revealing to me what my life in His image looked like. My expectation at that point for bigger and better has certainly been radically surpassed, and I rest in a promise that only GREATER things are to come. It is thrilling, I assure you!

This week, I went to church on Wednesday night, just like I do every week. I went to the youth service, as normal, and I was basically just there. I had no expectation of being needed by a student (for comfort that I could relate to oh, so closely) and I also had no expectation of having a video played again, that on my last trip to Jamaica caused my entire focus and perspective to shift. I was tired from a long day at work, and an early morning workout, and honestly, I was more hungry for earthly nourishment than for the scriptural meat that I was about to receive.

To say that God is awesome is not only obvious, but also a drastic understatement. If I could adequately express how flooring and sweet He has become to me on a daily basis, through His word, promises, encouraging people and much more, it would be magnificent! But what I am sure of is that God has the best motives and intentions, even when I’m weak at the end of the day, and think I’ve had enough. Through seeing this video again, I was reminded of the work that God the Father has done on my image, still chiseling every day. I was reminded that Jesus died so that my image didn’t have to be found in the world and the image the world thrusts upon me—socially, physically…—doesn’t define me, or really even matter in the grand scheme of things. And I was reminded that the Holy Spirit transforms images in major ways, when simply invited in, to do good.

I was reminded that there is a distinct comfort humans have come to find in wearing masks and playing the part of “enough” to and for the world. We each have our own strivings and goals, but how often do we truly seek, intentionality in those things? Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where actual change is what we seek, but most of the time, our change is short lived and only surface level. I’m pretty over that.

What if in 2015, we take off our masks and realize the level of discomfort we should feel from our comfort zones. What if we gave ourselves each day, the same blank space that Almighty God gives us every moment to be satisfied by nothing more than all of him, which is completely enough for all of our broken, mask wearing human nature.

I may not be the biggest fan of Taylor Swift, but she is definitely onto something when she says she “is a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. WE ALL ARE.

Even in the church, we put on pretty masks and faces and fear complete transparency and vulnerability. I mean, it’s really hard and uncomfortable, but is a comfortable life truly fulfilling? Not for me!

Unfortunately, the general church phenomenon of America is complacency towards our problems, and an outward reflection of surface-level caring. It’s pretty heartbreaking and it should disgust us to so passively glorify this multitude of things that are breaking lives and shattering people’s worlds all around us.

I have been remarkably blessed to be involved in a college ministry at my church where these masks hardly exist within the group of people where I spend the majority of my time. I love that I don’t have to be afraid of these people. I have long lived in fear of what others thought of me, neglecting the fact that ultimately, it only matters what the Lord thinks of me, and He made me in His own image! (What more could I possibly desire in my human quest to be “xyz-enough” than to be in the image of the invisible, Almighty God who holds and commands the universe in the palm of his hands?)

I love that every day, we walk intentionally alongside each other with a willingness to express our passions, heartaches and fears, the shortcomings of our pasts and the moments that the world would choose to say have tarnished what we deserve to be. I love that in this newfound fearlessness, I am challenged to understand why the Lord has so radically shifted my perspective of what He has in store for me, and to receive the grace that he has lavished upon me MOMENT BY MOMENT.

People!!! Fullness in Christ alone is as close as the space we allow Him to pervade in our hearts. Intimacy with Jesus is ours for the taking! I love walking with people who want to seek this as much as I do, and who want to push me to seek it deeper than I currently think I understand. It is beyond exciting to live life with people who are seeking to be on the same page with letting the Holy Spirit work us through where we have been and carry us into a glory greater than we can imagine, through our contentment!!

In 2015, I want to learn how to stop! I want to lose the mask I think I NEED to wear that shows my having things all together and put on the hands and feet of Jesus in all that I say and do! I want to be radically convicted of my business and redirected towards a covering of grace and righteousness that reminds me why I do it all in the first place. I don’t want to keep on being a nightmare that’s dressed like a daydream, a pretender and a happy face.

This year, I want to be captivated by the fullness of this grace and abide in a longing expectation of Jesus! 

in grace's amazing hands, 

katelyn

PS: If you're interested in the video I mentioned, refer to my previous post or search for "God's Chisel Remastered" on YouTube. The video is by the Skit Guys and they have TONS of awesome, thought provoking tools to check out. 

Also, stay tuned, and please encourage/hold me accountable to stay on top of posting! Next up will be something along the lines of what is so amazing about GRACE to me!!